WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

The appearance of Tommy’s long-lost dad Terry in Weatherfield got me thinking about other ‘long-lost’ family members that have suddenly appeared without thought or foremention at the door of an unsuspecting relative on the street. 

Stella is the latest in a long line dreamed up by the writers to fill a hole where another has left (in this case two pairs of boots to fill with the departure of Liz and Becky). When she turned up as the new feisty, blonde landlady of the Rovers (sound familiar?) nobody would have suspected she was harbouring a dark and awful secret. Many, many, many years ago, when she was very young, she had slept with ... Les Battersby! Oh and a little less shockingly she had abandoned her baby daughter Leanne-  leaving her to be brought up by Les ‘Neanderthol’ Battersby. Thirty years on and with a life filled with teenage marriage, divorce, abortion, terrible streaks, prostitution and ... (well you get the picture), Leanne isn’t best pleased when Stella announces that she’s finally back to play mother hen. But, in true Corrie style, after a rocky start all is forgotten; mainly because Leanne’s only friend Carla sleeps with her husband and she hasn’t got anywhere else to go apart from the Rovers back room. Lucky Leanne also got a new long-lost sister thrown in to boot in the form of big-boobied  Eva – double whammy! 

Last year, in scenes akin to ‘Who Do You Think You Are’, Ken managed to unearth a whole long-lost family in the form of posh toffs Lawrence, a long-lost son – who swiftly disowned his crossword-puzzler father - and conman grandson James, who managed to swindle thousands from born-again Christian lesbian Sophie Webster in a soup kitchen scam. James gave Ken a bash on the head and was never to be heard of or mentioned again. Where Ken is concerned he is best off sticking to the family that he has already got. Murderer Tracey, alcoholic Peter, pottery loving Deidre, who blatantly can’t stand him, and pushed from pillar to post curly haired Simon – surely with this lot he’s got enough on his hands?! 

Back in 2009, Fawlty Towers’ Manuel entered The Kabin wanting more from Norris than his lemon bonbons. Manuel had been living in Australia for the past 100 years and was back in Manchester to make amends with his long-lost brother Norris because he was dying from a brain tumour.  Unfortunately, Norris blamed his sibling (inexplicably as it turns out)for his mothers death and spurned him to the point that he gave up and left, breaking Emily and Rita’s heart in the process. Manuel, or Ramsay as he was known in the Street, died on the plane back to Australia from said brain tumour, leaving the embittered newsagent £175,000 in the process. I think we could all do with a long-lost relative like that! In some touching scenes Norris then posthumously discovered that it was actually his mother that was to blame for the family rift, but sadly it was too late.  

Gail McIntyre/Tilsley/Platt/Hillman met her long-lost father in 2008, Ted. After revealing he was gay he then befriended ‘intellectual’ Ken Barlow causing Blanche to believe that her son-in-law was also gay because they shared a common interest in literature. Humourous storyline over, Ted then gave Gail away at her wedding to Joe and swiftly disappeared and has never been heard of or mentioned again - not even when she was up in court for Joe's murder ... very strange.

KATIE'S SOAPBOX

Terrible Terry Duckworth is back on the cobbles!  And you know he is serious because he is wearing a big black overcoat – garment of choice for all the best soap villains (Hillman’s was spotless businessman chic whilst ‘Enders Derek rocks it with a classic Baker Boy cap). Underneath this is the most overinflated gorilla-like chest known to soap since Bette Gilroy. Said chest was puffed up to the max tonight when he managed to stop a punch-up between grease monkeys Tyrone and Tommy which in fact has been masterminded by the dastardly dad. One sniff of Tommy –the-Frown’s inheritance money and he has hatched a cunning plan to get his greedy hands on his long-lost son’s inheritance and Jack and Vera’s homestead by turning the friends against each other. Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t take much to reel the hapless mechanic in and one cup of tea and a pep talk later, Tommy-the-Frown is handing in his notice at the garage and Terry King Kong Duckworth is uttering those fateful words, “You and me - we’ll take over the world”. Cue dread music. 

Astute businessman (apparently) and all-round dodgy dealer Terry, after much deliberation and market research, is determined to open a  ‘gentleman’s club’ on Coronation Street. Obviously, he has never stepped foot in Nick’s ‘upmarket’ bistro whose main clientele compose of his grandma, avid compers Mary and Norris and local alcoholic homewrecker Carla who can’t get served in the Rovers after bedding the landlady’s daughter. Undeterred, the building work is well underway, and with Jason hammering away under the watchful eye of floor sweeper, island hopper Tommy what could go wrong? Cowboy builders  and lack of customers aside, the street is host to an abundance of possible staff. Lazy Tracey showed considerable lapdancing skills in her black widow murdereress dance for Charlie (god rest his soul) and who could forget pissed-up Rita’s clubnights from the good old days?! Unfortuantely, Rosie has gone ‘darn sarf’ but fast taking her place as femme fatale of the street is bored housewife Sunita who tonight, in a skintight red minidress, wiggled her booty in the face of gamblers-anonymous-dropout Carl whilst putting out the buffet for Bette’s funeral. Flirtily slagging off her cheesy hubbie Dev, Sunita leapt to his defence stating ‘There are worse blokes’. Too right love and you’re groping one of them over the sausage rolls.